Thursday, May 15, 2008

I SLEEP WITH A SNORER (or THE ANGEL OF DEATH CAME FOR BIG DADDY)

As you can surmise from the title of this post, my husband is a snorer. Now, some snorers will stop if you roll them over, some will stop with Breathe Right Nasal Strips, some will only snore when they're sick or when their allergies are acting up. My husband, as he is well aware, is a freight train no matter how he's positioned or what he puts on or in his nose. To help me sleep through the roar, I wear earplugs and sleep with my head inches from two loud fans.

I even have a portable fan that I keep in the car just in case I get separated from my beloved green fans for the night. It wasn't always this easy, though.

When we first got married, I had an extremely hard time getting to sleep and staying asleep with the chainsaw going all night. I actually resorted to sleeping head to foot with him. So, there I was, my head at the foot of the bed, with earplugs, a box fan about half an inch from my head, and my husband's black hooded sweatshirt on, with the hood pulled up. We slept this way for ... oh, for probably the first six months of our married life. If my patient and ever-accommodating new husband wanted to cuddle with his bride, he got to do so with my feet. He also got kicked in the face quite a bit (I'm an active sleeper).

One night, I woke up to use the facilities (in other words, I had to pee). When I came back to bed, I saw my beloved lying there asleep, and I thought he looked so adorable! I was flooded with affection for him, so I walked over next to him and bent down, slowly, to give him a gentle kiss on the forehead without waking him up.

My lips were just about to make contact with my husband's cute, sleeping face when his eyes popped open. If you look at the photos in my Mother's Day post, you will see that I am not married to a small or feminine man; but, the shriek that came from my husband was the most womanly and bloodcurdling scream I have ever heard come from a grown man. At that moment, I was very happy I had just emptied my bladder.

And now for my husband's perspective. He was sleeping peacefully, when he sensed something near his face. He opened his eyes to see a figure with a big, black hood leaning over him (aka, the Angel of Death). Positive that he was on his way out, his only recourse was to ... scream like a girl? I don't know how that would have curtailed the Angel of Death, but ....

Needless to say, I no longer try to kiss my husband while he's asleep.

5 comments:

Kara said...

That is sooo hilarious!!! We all seem to snore in this house, but no one will admit to it:)
Thanks for the leaving the writer's link on my blog, I'm going to go check it out!

Tanya said...

LOL! Too funny!! Oh, my word, I almost wet my pants.

Sarah said...

This made me laugh so hard just picturing it:)

mrsneyman said...

my husband jumps when i get near him but thank god he doesn't snore. i couldn't do that. does he have sleep apnea? my friend's husband does and he has to wear a machine to sleep at night.

Karen said...

No sleep apnea (believe me, I've stayed up listening to him snore enough times to know - ha ha!); just good, old-fashioned, unstoppable snoring.